I don’t want anyone to mistake my sense of humor or positive attitude for happiness. I’m not happy. I’m not happy about any of this.

In fact, I’m pissed right off.

I’m angry that my mother never talked to me about her symptoms, disease or treatment. I’m angry that my sister and I don’t talk so she never told me she started getting screened for colorectal cancer at age 40 and I should too.

I’m angry that my family doctor didn’t send me for early screening even though she had my family history. I’m angry that I never thought to do a simple google search to find out if I should be screened because I knew my family history.

I’m angry that I didn’t talk to my doctor about my symptoms sooner because I was embarrassed and bought into the… “You’re menopausal, this is normal”, bullshit.

I’m angry that by the time they found my cancer it was a 5cm tumor spreading to my lymph nodes while a simple Colonoscopy a few years earlier could have just snipped it out.

I’m angry that I have had all my options taken from me. Follow protocols or die. Those are my options. Did I get through chemo and radiation? Of course I did, I had no choice.

I’m angry that I’m laying in this hospital bed with my butt sewn shut, waiting for my bowels to start working so I can poop into a bag on my belly. I’m angry that I’m in pain. I’m angry that the medication that can take that pain away risk relapse into an addiction that almost killed me 25 years ago. I’m angry that I’m have to have help just to sit up. I am angry that my husband has to help me. This is not what he signed up for.

I am angry that I his is for the rest of my life. My rectum is gone, this ostomy is permanent and I STILL may need more chemotherapy.

So please don’t mistake my sense of humor or positivity for happiness. I’m not happy.

But I’m alive and I know that one day I will find a way to be happy again because as long as there is life, there is hope.

Everyone always says to me ‘you’ve got this’ and all I can think is, “of course I do I have no other choice’.

Do me a favor, make this all worthwhile… Get screened, talk to your friends, talk to your family. Normalize these discussions. Watch your butt, mine tried to kill me.

 

~ Michelle Budiwski

March 12, 2025

#ostomyforlife #mycancerjourney #watchyourbutt #colorectalcancerawareness